Arts & Entertainment

JEAN-CLAUDE Van Damme’s claims of an affair with Kylie Minogue on the set of Street Fighter have sullied the classic film, according to fans.

WAYNE Hayes, a middle-aged sales executive from Carlisle, has apologised for the Olympics closing ceremony beamed directly from his brain.

A BRIEF 'best of' guide to the bewildering orgy of self-indulgence happening in Scotland.

A MASS demonstration by BBC Three viewers has protested against programmes including Sun, Sea and Suspicious Parents being replaced by Olympics coverage.

DIRECTOR Peter Jackson has announced plans to tell the story of The Hobbit across a variety of media including chinaware.

QUEEN Elizabeth II has been unveiled as the new face of frozen food retailer Iceland.

TRAINSPOTTING director Danny Boyle is to helm the closing ceremony to mark the end of the world, with Paul McCartney headlining.

TREVOR Nelson is to be offered as a permanent commentary option for all BBC programmes.

THARG, the Betelgeusian editor of sci-fi comic 2000AD, has been arrested for using his alien mind powers to get stories.

GEORGE Osborne's plans to ransom the 80,000 spectators to the Olympics opening ceremony have been leaked.