Business

THE government has unveiled its 10 year vision for Britain's children with a pledge that childhood will now begin at birth.

THE number of people in Britain who wish they were pretending to be dead has risen for the fifth month in a row.

SOFTWARE giant Microsoft is to replace its built-in, anti-piracy systems with a vast army of ruthless mercenaries.

PRODUCT Red, the brand founded by U2 frontman Bono, has raised $50 million to help fight Porsche shortages among executives at Apple, Armani, Motorola, Gap and Hallmark. 

WORRIED homeowners were cheered last night as economists revealed that next year's house price collapse will lead to widespread starvation and prostitution among Britain's estate agents.

THE Bank of England is advising Britain to fill up on bread and make tea with their own urine after new warnings of an economic slump.

AIRLINES have been accused of misleading the public after claiming short-haul flights would not be full to the brim with fat, slow, noisy bastards.

THE Daily Express last night became the first British newspaper to issue a formal death threat against ranting fruitcake Heather Mills McCartney.

SAUDI Arabia's King Abdullah was last night locked in talks with Prince Philip over how much he would be willing to accept for Her Majesty the Queen.

THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.