Business

THE mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.

LLOYDS TSB chief executive Eric Daniels was last night urged not to speak until he had swallowed all the cake in his mouth.

THE government last night urged mortgage lenders to relax and stop thinking about money all the time.

GLOBAL stockmarkets were last night urged to stop dicking about and make their fucking minds up.

A NEW chapter has been written in the 86-year history of the Transport and General Workers Union after it agreed a merger with the New York Mafia.

PRINCESS Anne was put up for sale last night as the Queen looked to plug a £32 million hole in her finances.

SUPERMARKET rivalry has intensified after Tesco promised to put all your dirty pictures on a cake.

THE men who set the price of gas have predicted gas prices will rise by about 40%.

SHELL tanker drivers yesterday won a 14% pay rise which means they will now be paid £42,000 a year just to drive a fucking truck.

GOVERNOR of the Bank of England Mervyn King has written to the Chancellor of the Exchequer to confirm the government’s inflation target was now 'well and truly fucked'.