Celebrity

Angry Cheryl Fans Demand Real Miming

CHERYL Cole has angered fans after it emerged she will perform on the X-Factor using a remote controlled, animatronic mouth to mimic the appearance of live miming.

Do Chris Martin Next, Says Everyone

THE man who punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head was last night urged to have a pop at Chris Martin when he has a minute.

Johnson And Windsor In Wig Sharing Deal

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.

Princes' Charity Work To Distract You From All The Dicking About

PRINCES William and Harry are to give a higher profile to their charity work as they continue to have a thoroughly splendid time with lots of your money.

James May To Be Demolished

TOP Gear presenter James May is facing demolition after it emerged his parents did not apply for permission to build a twat.

Cowell Sends Urchins Back To Workhouse

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

Jordan And Andre Granted Quickie Interview And Photoshoot

JORDAN and Peter Andre were yesterday granted a 'quickie' interview and photoshoot deal with Okay! magazine.

Snorting Cocaine Better For You Than The 60-Piece Oriental Platter, Katona Tells Iceland

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

Kate Middleton 'Related To Monkeys'

PRINCE William's consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

Ulrika Bathing In Virgins' Blood, Say Villagers

RETIRED weather girl Ulrika Jonsson has been accused of bathing in the blood of virgins in a desperate bid to prevent chicken neck.