Celebrity

CHERYL Cole has angered fans after it emerged she will perform on the X-Factor using a remote controlled, animatronic mouth to mimic the appearance of live miming.

THE man who punched Leona Lewis in the side of the head was last night urged to have a pop at Chris Martin when he has a minute.

LONDON mayor Boris Johnson has entered into an historic wig-sharing agreement with Eastenders actress Barbara Windsor.

PRINCES William and Harry are to give a higher profile to their charity work as they continue to have a thoroughly splendid time with lots of your money.

TOP Gear presenter James May is facing demolition after it emerged his parents did not apply for permission to build a twat.

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

JORDAN and Peter Andre were yesterday granted a 'quickie' interview and photoshoot deal with Okay! magazine.

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

PRINCE William's consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

RETIRED weather girl Ulrika Jonsson has been accused of bathing in the blood of virgins in a desperate bid to prevent chicken neck.