Thousands More Forced Out By Jamie Oliver's Face

THE number of people leaving Britain because of Jamie Oliver's face has risen for the second year in a row.

Langham Classed As 'Townshend Category' Child Porn User

ACTOR Chris Langham is expected to quickly revive his showbusiness career after being classed as a "Townshend Category" child porn user.

Ditch Cameron For Oddball Fascist, Say Tory Rebels

SENIOR Tory MPs are calling for David Cameron to be replaced with another vote-losing weirdo from the party's extreme right wing.

Noel Edmonds 'Should Donate Organs Immediately'

TV quiz show host Noel Edmonds should be required to donate his major organs, preferably today, according to a new opinion poll.

Queen 'Did Not Drug A Horse', Admits BBC

The BBC has apologised to the Queen for wrongly implying she drugged a horse during Royal Ascot.

Queen Spending 'A Shitload' Of Money, According To New Report

SPENDING by the Royal Household has increased from a serious wedge to a shitload, according to official accounts.

"This Time I Want My Own Drawer," Kate Tells Wills

KATE Middleton will rekindle her relationship with Prince William if she gets her own underpants drawer at Clarence House, the Daily Mash has learned.

Pete Doherty Accuses Bassey Of "Joint Bogarting"

DAME Shirley Bassey may have been a big hit with the Glastonbury crowd but she proved much less popular backstage after refusing to share her drugs with her fellow artistes, The Daily Mash can reveal.

God Tells Britney To Sod Off

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”.