Celebrity

ACTOR Chris Langham is expected to quickly revive his showbusiness career after being classed as a "Townshend Category" child porn user.

SENIOR Tory MPs are calling for David Cameron to be replaced with another vote-losing weirdo from the party's extreme right wing.

TV quiz show host Noel Edmonds should be required to donate his major organs, preferably today, according to a new opinion poll.

The BBC has apologised to the Queen for wrongly implying she drugged a horse during Royal Ascot.

SPENDING by the Royal Household has increased from a serious wedge to a shitload, according to official accounts.

KATE Middleton will rekindle her relationship with Prince William if she gets her own underpants drawer at Clarence House, the Daily Mash has learned.

DAME Shirley Bassey may have been a big hit with the Glastonbury crowd but she proved much less popular backstage after refusing to share her drugs with her fellow artistes, The Daily Mash can reveal.

GOD last night said he would pretend to be out after troubled singer Britney Spears revealed she “could not wait to meet Him”.