Celebrity

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.

VARIOUS bits of Titanic star Kate Winslet's have revealed how insufferable they find their host organism.

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

FUTURE royal brood mare Kate Middleton was admitted to church last night after apparently being possessed by Satan.

THE increasingly unpopular iPhone last night barricaded itself in a motel room with a brace of whores and a side arm.

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.

THE decomposing elephant from Channel 4's Life After Death has been spotted partying with Kerry Katona at a string of exclusive London clubs.

MERYL Streep has revealed how her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has turned her into a swivel-eyed maniac.

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.