Public Demands More Celebrities To Be Concerned About

ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.

Guy Ritchie To Scam Madonna Out Of 500 Grand

GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates. 

Winehouse Blames Crack Addiction On LSD Hallucinations

AMY Winehouse last night blamed her addiction to crack cocaine on a hallucination of the devil she saw while high on LSD. 

Winehouse Enjoys Incident-Free Piss

AMY Winehouse visited the toilet of her North London home last night and emerged three minutes later after a textbook piss, according to friends.

Countdown In Crisis: Vorderman 90% Less Attractive, Says Channel 4

HUMAN calculator Carol Vorderman was asked to take a pay cut in direct proportion to her loss of attractiveness, it was claimed last night.

Millionaire Actors Told To Cheer The F*ck Up

YOUNG multi-millionaire actors were last night urged to stop being so angst-ridden and just cheer the fuck up.

85% Of Men Have No Idea How To React To Helen Mirren In A Bikini

THE majority of British men were in a state of extreme confusion last night after seeing photos of 63 year-old Helen Mirren in a bikini.

Ronnie Wood Finally Slows Down

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

Mckellen Threatened By Orcs

POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. 

Bodyguards Positioned Outside Jolie's Vagina

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.