Press Stole My Dignity, Not Gang Of Whores Thrashing My Bare Arse, Claims Mosley

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley has accused the press of stealing his dignity rather than the gang of whores he paid to thrash his quivering buttocks with a riding crop.

Public Urges Ross And Morgan To Fight To The Death

THE vicious feud between Piers Morgan and Jonathan Ross could be settled by a very straightforward fight to the death, it was claimed last night.

Jackson To Be Sold For Spares

MICHAEL Jackson's London concerts will be his last public appearances before he is broken down into his constituent parts and auctioned off for scrap, it has been confirmed.

I’ve Been This Unbearable Since I Was Eight, Says Winslet

OSCAR winner Kate Winslet last night revealed she has been this unbearable since she was a little girl.

Batman Urges Batwoman To Do It With Catwoman

BATMAN last night urged lesbian superhero Batwoman to do it with Catwoman.

Clarkson Factually Correct

JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night. 

Christian Bale's American Accent Gets Even Worse

FILM fans were last night given a sneak preview of Christian Bale's worst American accent so far.

You're Just Too Pretty To Be A Judge, Cowell Tells Brook

SIMON Cowell has told Kelly Brook she was dropped from Britain's Got Talent because she was just too pretty.

Charles Beats Asian Friend With Affectionate Polo Mallet

PRINCE Charles's brutal assaults on a polo playing Asian friend are just playful banter, it was claimed last night.

Emma Thompson To Decide Where You Go On Holiday

OSCAR winner Emma Thompson is to chair a new committee which will decide where you spend your summer holidays.