Celebrity

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

PRINCE Charles will use the throne as a transmitter for his peculiar strand of bullshit when he becomes King, it was revealed yesterday.

THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.

RUSSELL Brand and Jonathan Ross are to team up with the corpse of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother for a new prime-time show.

ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.

GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates. 

AMY Winehouse last night blamed her addiction to crack cocaine on a hallucination of the devil she saw while high on LSD. 

AMY Winehouse visited the toilet of her North London home last night and emerged three minutes later after a textbook piss, according to friends.