Celebrity

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

JORDAN and Peter Andre were yesterday granted a 'quickie' interview and photoshoot deal with Okay! magazine.

CELEBRITY hell-hole Kerry Katona has told Iceland that snorting cocaine in a sticky nightclub sets a better example than working your way through the 60 piece deep-fried Oriental party plate.

PRINCE William's consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

RETIRED weather girl Ulrika Jonsson has been accused of bathing in the blood of virgins in a desperate bid to prevent chicken neck.

PRINCE Charming has been handed a 48-hour deadline to get to the Neverland Ranch and attempt to revive Michael Jackson.

THE Queen is demanding a 20% increase in the civil list so she can buy herself a really fancy new hat and refurbish some of her old ones.

MICHAEL Jackson was a black man, it was claimed last night.

THE white matter visible in Lily Allen's left nostril in a recent paparazzi photograph is a tiny snowman made by a family of gnomes who live up her nose, it was claimed last night.

MICHAEL Jackson, the King of Pop, shocked the world last night by dying in an incredibly ordinary way.