Celebrity

HUMAN calculator Carol Vorderman was asked to take a pay cut in direct proportion to her loss of attractiveness, it was claimed last night.

YOUNG multi-millionaire actors were last night urged to stop being so angst-ridden and just cheer the fuck up.

THE majority of British men were in a state of extreme confusion last night after seeing photos of 63 year-old Helen Mirren in a bikini.

ROLLING Stone Ronnie Wood has ditched his punishing regime of endless cocaine binges for the more sedate lifestyle of month-long drinking sessions with Russian barmaids.

POLICE investigating a series of death threats against the actor Sir Ian McKellen now believe they were made by Orcs. 

ANGELINA Jolie is expected to give birth to twins within hours after bodyguards took up positions outside her vagina.

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley yesterday rejected claims he had taken part in a Nazi-themed orgy, insisting the event was nothing more than a suburban book club.

PRINCE William is facing a ban from some of his favourite Fulham Road nightclubs after his Royal Navy ship seized £40m worth of cocaine.

POP star Madonna’s childhood home in Detroit has been burned to the ground in an apparent revenge attack by Jesus. 

SOME of the biggest names in showbiz have come together in London to prove how shabby and pointless they are compared to Nelson Mandela.