Prince Philip Alters Will

PRINCE PHILIP has changed his will in order to bequeath his extensive collection of racist paraphernalia to his favourite grandson.

Laptop Advert Stars John Lennon Impersonator

BEATLES legend John Lennon has been impersonated in an advert for the first time since his death 28 years ago.

Eoghan's Scrotum As Bald As A Coot, Says Diana

X-FACTOR sweetheart Diana Vickers last night said she loved fellow contestant Eoghan Quigg but had not had sex with him yet because he's only five.

Britain Chooses Newest Retail Park Opener

ALEXANDRA Burke will this morning begin a glamorous new life of cover versions, Heat magazine stories about her fat eyelids and being offered £250 to open the Macclesfield Glen retail and leisure park.

Karen Matthews: Where She Went Wrong

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

Ramsay Launches Campaign For Seasonal Freaky Sex Drugs

TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.

Ecclestone Wife To Buy Two Midgets

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

Charles To Use Throne As Bullshit Transmitter

PRINCE Charles will use the throne as a transmitter for his peculiar strand of bullshit when he becomes King, it was revealed yesterday.

Peaches Geldof To Get Playground Divorce

THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.

Ross And Brand To Dig Up Queen Mother

RUSSELL Brand and Jonathan Ross are to team up with the corpse of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother for a new prime-time show.