Sacking Jonathan Ross Even Cheaper Than 40% Pay Cut, Say Licence Payers

YOU know what's even cheaper than giving Jonathan Ross a 40% paycut? Sacking the fucker, licence payers said last night.

Resume Your Masturbatory Fantasies, Says Lohan

LINDSAY Lohan has given the green light to hours of furtive self-abuse after resuming her lesbian relationship with sort-of-female DJ Samantha Ronson.

Piano Playing Cat Checks-In To Priory

NORA, the cat who shot to fame after a video of her playing the piano was posted on Youtube, checked herself into the Priory Hospital last night.

Amanda Holden's Vagina Appears In Crop Circle

A CROP circle depicting the genitalia of TV talent show judge Amanda Holden has appeared in an Oxfordshire field.

Brown To Appoint Susan Boyle Tsar

GORDON Brown last night outlined plans for a high powered 'tsar' to oversee the regulation of Susan Boyle.

Mystery Surrounds BNP Invite To Palace

OFFICIALS last night said they were puzzled as to who could possibly have invited the British National Party leader Nick Griffin to a Buckingham Palace garden party.

Mumbai Council Urged To Bulldoze Christian Bale's House

MUMBAI City Council was last night urged to switch the focus of its film star bulldozing programme to Batman's Christian Bale.

Pretend Marriage On Made-Up Rocks

THE pretend marriage of Jordan, the pretend novelist, and Peter André, the pretend human, was last night on the completely made-up rocks.

The Patronising Of Susan Boyle Goes Global

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

Can I Have One That's House Trained? Asks Madonna

MADONNA yesterday told a Malawian court she was keen to adopt another small African as long as it was house trained and had received all its jabs.