Celebrity

Batman Urges Batwoman To Do It With Catwoman

BATMAN last night urged lesbian superhero Batwoman to do it with Catwoman.

Clarkson Factually Correct

JEREMY Clarkson was factually correct, it was claimed last night.

Christian Bale's American Accent Gets Even Worse

FILM fans were last night given a sneak preview of Christian Bale's worst American accent so far.

You're Just Too Pretty To Be A Judge, Cowell Tells Brook

SIMON Cowell has told Kelly Brook she was dropped from Britain's Got Talent because she was just too pretty.

Charles Beats Asian Friend With Affectionate Polo Mallet

PRINCE Charles's brutal assaults on a polo playing Asian friend are just playful banter, it was claimed last night.

Emma Thompson To Decide Where You Go On Holiday

OSCAR winner Emma Thompson is to chair a new committee which will decide where you spend your summer holidays.

Prince Philip Alters Will

PRINCE PHILIP has changed his will in order to bequeath his extensive collection of racist paraphernalia to his favourite grandson.

Laptop Advert Stars John Lennon Impersonator

BEATLES legend John Lennon has been impersonated in an advert for the first time since his death 28 years ago.

Eoghan's Scrotum As Bald As A Coot, Says Diana

X-FACTOR sweetheart Diana Vickers last night said she loved fellow contestant Eoghan Quigg but had not had sex with him yet because he's only five.

Britain Chooses Newest Retail Park Opener

ALEXANDRA Burke will this morning begin a glamorous new life of cover versions, Heat magazine stories about her fat eyelids and being offered £250 to open the Macclesfield Glen retail and leisure park.