Atheists Are Nice People Who Will Roast In Hell, Says Cardinal

ATHEISTS and agnostics are decent people whose tormented souls will burn for all eternity in the scorching fires of hell, Britain's biggest catholic said last night.

Johnson Pledges Extra Tuck And Crackdown On Buggery

EVERY Londoner is to receive extra tuck before evensong and be given vouchers to opt out of buggery, the city's new mayor has pledged.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Marriage Over, Say Her Knees

GWYNETH Paltrow’s four-year marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is over, the Hollywood star’s knees revealed last night.

Rich People Very Happy

NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.

Elvis Tried To Eat My Mum, Claims Tommy Steele

ELVIS Presley made a secret visit to Britain during which he tried to eat the elderly mother of British singing star Tommy Steele, it was revealed last night.

Public Backs Princess Anne To Be Next King

THE public last night backed changes to laws of succession and called for Princess Anne to be the next King of England.

I'll Do It If You Land A Helicopter On My Parents' Lawn, Kate Told Wills

KATE Middleton agreed to do that thing Prince William has been asking her to do for months, but only if he landed a Chinook helicopter on her parents' lawn, it emerged last night.

Prince William To Use HMS Invincible As A Bottle Opener

PRINCE William has been given permission to use the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible as a bottle opener at his summer barbecues.

Concern Grows As Spears Takes Three Attempts To Reverse Into Parking Space

FRIENDS of Britney Spears last night spoke of their growing concern for the pop princess after she took three attempts to reverse park her car.

British media agrees to phased withdrawal of Diana stories

THE British media last night welcomed the Diana inquest verdict and called for the Princess to be laid to rest over a period of 15 to 20 years.