Celebrity

Britney To Be Frozen Until Pop Standards Collapse

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.

Sarah Ferguson Claims Prince Andrew Does Something

THE Duchess of York has admitted to an 'appalling lack of judgement' after giving the impression that her former husband does something.

Moir Condemns Ronan Keating's Sordid Heterosexual Lifestyle

DAILY Mail columnist Jan Moir was facing calls to to resign last night after attacking Boyzone singer Ronan Keating's 'sleazy' heterosexual lifestyle.

Have You Seen My Tits Yet? Asks Kim Kardashian

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

Beyonce Launches Branded Stomach Wipes

POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.

Media Mount 24-Hour Vigil Outside Cheryl Cole's Fandango

THE world's media last night set up camp outside Cheryl Cole's vagina amid mounting rumours it is about to be reactivated.

US Discriminates Against Dirty Old Buggers, Says Polanski

THE UNITED States has an institutional prejudice against manky old sods, Roman Polanski claimed last night.

Amanda Holden Reverting To Dung

THE sorcery holding Amanda Holden together is wearing off, it emerged yesterday.

Adrian Chiles 'Racially Abused A Badger'

ANIMAL rights protesters have condemned Adrian Chiles after footage showed him shouting 'half breed' at a frightened badger.

Lennon's LSD Stash To Be Remastered And Sold For Ten Times Its Street Value

DRUGS belonging to deceased Beatle John Lennon are to be slightly re-vamped and then sold at exorbitant prices to obsessive, middle-aged Beatles fans.