Celebrity

BRITNEY Spears is to be frozen in a tube until pop standards decline sufficiently for her to relaunch her career, it was confirmed last night.

THE Duchess of York has admitted to an 'appalling lack of judgement' after giving the impression that her former husband does something.

DAILY Mail columnist Jan Moir was facing calls to to resign last night after attacking Boyzone singer Ronan Keating's 'sleazy' heterosexual lifestyle.

KIM Kardashian would like to draw your attention to her breasts, it was confirmed last night.

POP icon Beyonce has launched a range of branded products designed to help self-pleasuring male fans to clean up after themselves.

THE world's media last night set up camp outside Cheryl Cole's vagina amid mounting rumours it is about to be reactivated.

THE UNITED States has an institutional prejudice against manky old sods, Roman Polanski claimed last night.

THE sorcery holding Amanda Holden together is wearing off, it emerged yesterday.

ANIMAL rights protesters have condemned Adrian Chiles after footage showed him shouting 'half breed' at a frightened badger.

DRUGS belonging to deceased Beatle John Lennon are to be slightly re-vamped and then sold at exorbitant prices to obsessive, middle-aged Beatles fans.