Celebrity

Police To Question Long List Of Starlets Over Jewel Theft

DETECTIVES who questioned Lindsay Lohan over the theft of a £250,000 diamond necklace are to call in Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox while they're at it.

Ronaldo Joins Queue For Paris Hilton's Vagina

CRISTIANO Ronaldo celebrated his record-breaking £80m move to Real Madrid last night by joining the early morning queue outside Paris Hilton's private parts.

Madonna Adopts Nick Griffin

POP icon Madonna has adopted the BNP leader Nick Griffin, describing him as the 'perfect addition' to her rainbow tribe.

Sacking Jonathan Ross Even Cheaper Than 40% Pay Cut, Say Licence Payers

YOU know what's even cheaper than giving Jonathan Ross a 40% paycut? Sacking the fucker, licence payers said last night.

Resume Your Masturbatory Fantasies, Says Lohan

LINDSAY Lohan has given the green light to hours of furtive self-abuse after resuming her lesbian relationship with sort-of-female DJ Samantha Ronson.

Piano Playing Cat Checks-In To Priory

NORA, the cat who shot to fame after a video of her playing the piano was posted on Youtube, checked herself into the Priory Hospital last night.

Amanda Holden's Vagina Appears In Crop Circle

A CROP circle depicting the genitalia of TV talent show judge Amanda Holden has appeared in an Oxfordshire field.

Brown To Appoint Susan Boyle Tsar

GORDON Brown last night outlined plans for a high powered 'tsar' to oversee the regulation of Susan Boyle.

Mystery Surrounds BNP Invite To Palace

OFFICIALS last night said they were puzzled as to who could possibly have invited the British National Party leader Nick Griffin to a Buckingham Palace garden party.

Mumbai Council Urged To Bulldoze Christian Bale's House

MUMBAI City Council was last night urged to switch the focus of its film star bulldozing programme to Batman's Christian Bale.