UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls

THE UK’s rewilding programme will reintroducing wolves, wild boar and the Romanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls to uninhabited areas. 

Everyone on country walk pissed off with everyone else on country walk

ALL the people who have headed to a local beauty spot for a countryside walk are resentfully glaring at all the other people who have done the same thing.

Driving a milk float makes you impotent: A man who knows nothing about electric cars answers your questions

PROPER cars will be illegal from 2030, and men will be forced to drive electric vehicles that shrink their genitalia. Here Nathan Muir answers your questions about how wrong this is. 

How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion

DO you have an important point to make but want to get it across in a way that makes everyone think you’re an absolute wanker? Follow these tips.

Time altered to suit nation's several remaining milkmen and farmers

TIME has once again been altered because of about a dozen people who still deliver milk or grow things.

Who are these f**kers throwing their facemasks away in the street? An investigation

IN every city street and country lane in Britain an abandoned facemask lies dirty and forlorn. But exactly who are the twats throwing them away, and why? 

Woodland porn magazine populations facing extinction

A NEW campaign is aiming to bring back discarded pornographic magazines to Britain’s woodlands.

All the ways leaves will f**k you up this autumn

UNFORTUNATELY it’s autumn, which means dead bits of trees are falling from their branches. Here’s how they plan to ruin your life.

Meat-eating family of six want to tell you how to save the environment

A LARGE, omnivorous family living in a five-bedroom house with four acres of grounds would like to lecture you on protecting the environment.

Cat announces plans to shit all over everyone's gardens this weekend

A CAT has confirmed that it will do its utmost to shit exactly where you plan to tread in your front and back garden.

Foxes waiting til you start to drift off before starting all-night f**kfest

FOXES in your area have announced that one of the longest and loudest all-night orgies on record will begin the moment you try to get to sleep.

Greta Thunberg's class had no idea she was gone

GRETA Thunberg has returned to school to find neither her teacher or any of her classmates noticed she was gone.