The holiday you were meant to be on this summer vs the one you're actually having

YOU had a fortnight in Italy booked. You’re spending a week on a campsite in Filey. Here’s how your 2020 plans and reality compare.

Feral sourdough starters spotted on moors

ABANDONED and unwanted sourdough starters are attacking sheep on remote moorland, farmers have warned.

Forget littering: Five other ways to ruin beauty spots for others

AFTER the angry reaction to litter in our nation’s parks and on its beaches, you might be looking for new ways to ruin Britain’s beauty spots. Here are some suggestions.

Greta Thunberg to open ice cream van where all the ice creams have already melted

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigner Greta Thunberg is to spend summer touring Europe in an ice cream van ladling warm cream into your cupped hands for £7.

Five moronic things to say every time there's a heatwave

A HEATWAVE in Britain guarantees inane conversations about the weather. Here are some things to say to help you join in.

Builder understands woman's house in way husband never will

A BUILDER'S intimate understanding of the structural details of a house is making a woman question whether her husband will ever be able to satisfy her again.

Your guide to where you should and shouldn't urinate

DO you have difficulty distinguishing between a legitimate place to relieve yourself and the kind of monument you claim to be defending?

Family love visiting tranquil countryside and f**king it up with litter

A FAMILY who went on a long-anticipated trip to beautiful countryside loved it so much they couldn’t be f**ked to take their litter home.

Britain driving like a bellend

DRIVING like a bit of a bellend is completely acceptable at the moment, Britons have agreed.

'We will hunt you down like dogs' is new slogan of Welsh Tourism Board

THE Welsh Tourism Board has launched a new campaign warning English people that if they cross the border they will be hunted down by irate locals. 

Kids on nature walk couldn't give a shit about it

A GROUP of children on an enriching nature walk could not have given less of a shit about it, they have confirmed.

Global pandemic just the push man needed to mow the lawn

A GLOBAL pandemic locking down a third of the world’s population has finally motivated a British man to mow the lawn.