Beautiful dusting of white snow the last thing we f**king need

A MAGICAL snowfall which has made the whole of Britain look fresh and new is the final f**king straw, residents have confirmed.

Insurer disgusted by suggestion it might have to 'pay out' over floods

AN insurance company is horrified by the suggestion that it might ‘pay out’ to ‘claimants’ on its ‘policies’. 

What to do if you're a British crab who can't get to the EU

POST-BREXIT, plucky British crabs are being refused entry to the EU because of petty rules about live animal imports that prove we were right to leave. What could they do?

Cocky motorists to drive into unexpectedly deep floods

BRITAIN’S idiot drivers have vowed to try their luck at driving through floodwater after having a guess at how deep it is.

Man recognises individual blades of grass in local park

A MAN is so familiar with his local park that he can tell blades of grass apart from one another, he has confirmed.

You thought 2020 was bad? Highlights of the year to come

GOODBYE and good riddance 2020, but there’s no reason to believe 2021 won’t be even more of a shitstorm.

Ethical crackers 'a load of wank'

MODERN crackers that do not even contain a magic fish or plastic jumping frog are just wank, everyone has agreed.

Ways to make the most of the 43 minutes of daylight you're getting today

DO you wake up to clear blue winter skies only to find the sun’s gone by the time you’re dressed? Here’s how to make the most of your tiny slice of daylight.

UK to reintroduce wolves, wild boar and The Cheeky Girls

THE UK’s rewilding programme will reintroducing wolves, wild boar and the Romanian pop duo The Cheeky Girls to uninhabited areas. 

Everyone on country walk pissed off with everyone else on country walk

ALL the people who have headed to a local beauty spot for a countryside walk are resentfully glaring at all the other people who have done the same thing.

Driving a milk float makes you impotent: A man who knows nothing about electric cars answers your questions

PROPER cars will be illegal from 2030, and men will be forced to drive electric vehicles that shrink their genitalia. Here Nathan Muir answers your questions about how wrong this is. 

How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion

DO you have an important point to make but want to get it across in a way that makes everyone think you’re an absolute wanker? Follow these tips.