Environment

THE wonderful carpet of white blanketing the land and falling in fat flakes from the sky is all well and good until you need to walk somewhere, Britons have confirmed.

FORECASTERS believe there is a greater than 50 per cent chance of a white Christmas this year, but do you even give a shit?

THE UK is to be hit by a storm called Bert that takes five sugars in its tea, smokes indoors and wears a flat cap without a hint of irony.

CLIMATE change? No such thing, according to this bunch of contrarian knobheads confident they know best. Here they are, ranked.

THE snow that provides a joyful backdrop to play-fights and declarations of true love in films appears to be a lot less wet, Britain has noticed.

METEOROLOGISTS causing unnecessary panic by warning of snow in Britain when they mean Scotland and possibly Cumbria have been told to cut it out.