Health

PEOPLE who experience traumatic events should just shut up, researchers said last night.

FERN Britton has launched a new weight loss programme based on a strict combination of fruit, pilates and six hours of major abdominal surgery.

STATINS are a wonder drug which allow doctors to spend an extra three afternoons a week on the golf course, the British Medical Association said last night.

EVERYONE in Britain has had to go to hospital in the last 12 months after falling into a hedge on the way home.

LISTENING to any record by Sting while drinking wine will make even the finest vintage taste like rancid tramp's urine, research reveals.

THE number of wives still worth having sexual intercourse with has fallen to an all-time low, marriage experts have announced.

ONE in four teenagers is in a really bad place right now which is making them, like, incredibly sad and stuff, a new study reveals. 

WOMEN who eat Special 'K' around the time of conception are more likely to have a boy, but it will be a girly boy, according to new research.

WOMEN stand a greater chance of giving up smoking if they quit before their period starts, according to some ignorant bastard who can just fuck off and die.

DOCTORS last night attempted to end of confusion over the symptoms of bulimia, stressing it was not the same as being a big, greedy bastard.