Health

COMA patients should not be signed off sick as they can perform light tasks such as draught exclusion, the health minister Alan Johnson has announced.

RIZLA cigarette papers are to carry warnings that excessive cannabis smoking makes you incredibly boring and likely to bore others around you.

THE Department of Health has written to GPs in England and Wales asking them if they wouldn't mind doing a bit of work, just for five minutes.

WOMEN who wear high heels have poor sex lives because they only attract men who are premature ejaculating foot fetishists, a new study reveals. 

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night. 

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

THE NHS is to replace homeopathy with medicine after realising that a wet tea bag applied to the buttocks will not cure cancer. 

FOREIGN mothers who think they can just come over here and have their baby in an NHS hospital have been told to give birth in the kitchen sink.

BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.