Health

WOMEN stand a greater chance of giving up smoking if they quit before their period starts, according to some ignorant bastard who can just fuck off and die.

DOCTORS last night attempted to end of confusion over the symptoms of bulimia, stressing it was not the same as being a big, greedy bastard.

PARENTS across Britain have reacted angrily to the European ban on food colourings, claiming artificial ingredients make their children funnier and more interesting.

MOST NHS doctors and nurses are happy for you to choke on a biscuit while they play cards and watch videos, according to a new staff survey.

CRUSHING anti-psychotic drugs into some yogurt has replaced television as the world's most popular method of child care, new research shows. 

SMOKERS will have to hold a large piece of card over their face so they cannot look at the cigarette they are smoking, ministers said last night.

HOLLYWOOD superstar Michael J. Fox last night complained that he would have been cured of his Parkinson’s disease by now if he really was a mouse.

PET shops all over Britain have been besieged by fat men demanding their car boots be filled up with cats. 

DOCTORS are urging the government to confirm its online banking details before account access is suspended.

TESCO is demanding the government brings in tough new measures to increase the price of everything, its chief executive said last night.