Health

ONE year to the day since the government locked down the UK, here’s how to mark the occasion without lifting a finger.

CHILDREN who have only been back at school for two f**king weeks are already off sick, their parents have confirmed.

A GROWN woman in her late 40s is scared stiff that her mother will find out she smokes.

BRITONS aged below 50 have been wished the best of luck in dealing with a virus they will not be vaccinated against for f**king ages.

UNDER a proposed 1% pay rise, experienced NHS nurses could pocket a whopping £3.50 every single week. Here’s what they could blow their massive windfall on.

WELL-OFF baby boomers have agreed that Covid vaccinations should be restricted to property owners, to incentivise the young.

THE UK’s £22bn test and trace service has admitted there is no way it can possibly track six cases of the Brazilian coronavirus variant.

WINTER is behind us and the end of lockdown is apparently in sight. But which of your new mole-person habits will you struggle to leave behind?

THE Queen has finally realised that she is the head of state of a country of selfish, credulous dickheads. 

A MAN who says he will not be forced into being vaccinated is furious that his spare dose might be given to someone in a migrant centre.