Health

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.

A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends have noticed.

DOCTORS have been ordered to refer obese patients to cookery classes by a horrendously patronising posh arsehole in government somewhere.

WOMEN lose interest in sex during long-term relationships because the whole thing is just silly, a survey has found.

A MIDDLE-AGED former raver can no longer cope with the physical and psychological effects of a can of Red Bull, he has admitted.

A PATIENT surrounded by a junior doctor and a crowd of eager young medical students has been told to 'just relax'.

JEREMY Hunt has paid £44,000 for a shower room in his office after employing the same plumber who installed the NHS computer system.

CONTAMINATED eggs will replace your entire head with the smooth, featureless ellipse of an egg, scientists have warned.