Health

PLANS to ask patients about their sexuality mean doctors’ surgeries will become debauched sex clubs full of perverts, old people believe.

A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.

BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.

THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.

A WOMAN who believes in calling out prejudice in any situation decided not to say anything to the bigoted beauty therapist removing her pubic hair.

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.

SMOKERS have reclaimed their rightful ownership of all outdoor territory surrounding pubs following a drop in temperature.

A 31 YEAR-OLD man has been left with post-traumatic stress disorder after accidentally joining female colleagues in a conversation about Mooncups.