International

THE security services have opened a 24-hour torture centre staffed by low-wage Indian workers, it was claimed last night.

THE world became a safer place last night after the United States and Russia agreed to keep just enough nuclear weapons to kill every living thing on the face of the Earth twice.

PRESIDENT Sarkozy has criticised the wearing of burkas by French muslims, insisting they stop people seeing what an incredibly hot wife you have, if you have one, which he does.

BARACK Obama urged Twitter to postpone a planned upgrade so that Iranians could continue to exchange their meaningless thoughts about television programmes and clothes.

GERMANS are using footage of Gordon Brown to create hilarious spoofs of Hitler's last days in his Berlin bunker, it emerged last night.

POPE Benedict rounded off his historic visit to the Holy Land yesterday by seizing an opportunity to stick it to the Christ-murderers.

POPE Benedict will today visit the scenes of the made-up stories that form the basis of his crazy, voodoo religion.

THIS year's Git has been confirmed as 34 year-old Ben Southall from Hampshire.

NEW York was flung into a state of panic yesterday as thousands of people watched an 80 foot-high gorilla climb the Empire State Building. 

NORTH Korea has been designated as the new big thing designed to scare the holy living shit out of you, the United Nations has confirmed.