Lifestyle

PEOPLE who say they or anyone else has “got their smarts” should fuck off, everyone has decided.

A COUPLE with a completely unremarkable semi-detached two-bedroom house still insist on giving guests ‘the grand tour’.

PEOPLE who use a ludicrous number of exclamation marks have refused to write in a less annoying style.

A COUPLE have moved to a small village so that they can enjoy fresh air, long walks, and catching a train to work at an insanely early hour.

A FAMILY that exists in a state of filthy chaos has agreed that it would be great to get a third dog.

THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.

AN older man enjoying a vigorous sex life found it difficult to buy condoms due to using dated euphemisms.

AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple have leapt up at least two rungs on the social ladder by being the first in their circle of friends to buy a fire pit.

ARE you always bumping into wanker neighbours or people you briefly met years ago, leading to stilted banter with long, awkward pauses? Here’s how to pretend you haven’t seen them.