Lifestyle

Some f**ker always up an hour earlier than you

NO matter how early you get up some bastard has always been up for a whole hour already, it has been confirmed.

'The garden's a bit wild': six innocuous phrases that will totally shit on your weekend

READY for 48 blissful work-free hours, only for your mood to crash on realising the implications of the seemingly-innocent phrase you’ve just heard?

Why your boxes in the loft are precious but your partner's are useless crap

YOUR partner's boxes of crap should be chucked to free up space in the loft, whereas yours must be kept and treasured. Here's why.

Crapping in first class: how to get maximum value for your train fare

ARE you incensed by the amount you have to pay for a journey on a rubbish British train? Here’s how to rinse the experience for every penny.

Six things you didn't give a toss about until you became middle-aged

LIFE was carefree when you were young, but now you've drifted into the abyss of middle age all sorts of things leave you weirdly angry. Like these…

How to shop even more cheaply at your scummy budget supermarket, by a Tory minister

YOU aren’t struggling because of the cost of living crisis, it’s because you occasionally splash out on a tub of Lurpak. Here’s my wildly out-of-touch take on shopping on a budget.

What did you come upstairs for? Let's work it out

WE’VE all had a lot on lately, but when you find yourself upstairs and can’t remember why go through this handy checklist.

Why the foreign holiday you've booked will suck balls: the reasons you'd forgotten

NOT been abroad for a while? Just booked a fortnight? Forgotten what it’s like? This is why you should have gone to Dorset:

Three bikes in the bath: the grim as f**k student houses you lived in

WHILE you may look back fondly on your university days, you lived in some utterly horrifying houses. These will be all too familiar.

Pub staff and other people weirdly not excited about the Bank Holiday

EVERYONE agrees Bank Holidays are great, except for these miserable killjoys who weirdly do not get into the spirit.