Lifestyle

What did you come upstairs for? Let's work it out

WE’VE all had a lot on lately, but when you find yourself upstairs and can’t remember why go through this handy checklist.

Why the foreign holiday you've booked will suck balls: the reasons you'd forgotten

NOT been abroad for a while? Just booked a fortnight? Forgotten what it’s like? This is why you should have gone to Dorset:

Three bikes in the bath: the grim as f**k student houses you lived in

WHILE you may look back fondly on your university days, you lived in some utterly horrifying houses. These will be all too familiar.

Pub staff and other people weirdly not excited about the Bank Holiday

EVERYONE agrees Bank Holidays are great, except for these miserable killjoys who weirdly do not get into the spirit.

Dr Martens boots finish breaking in human

A PAIR of Dr Martens boots have finished turning their owner’s feet into bloody, misshapen slabs of meat, it has emerged.

12 household items that now cost so much they can just f**k off

IS the cost of living crisis making the weekly shop scarily expensive? These items can f**k off.

Six insects that are in your house that can f**k off out of it

EVERYTHING’S great, apart from the insects that don’t understand the indoor-outdoor boundary and violate it. Like these pricks.  

Get exactly seven hours sleep: Six great pieces of patronising advice for middle aged people

MIDDLE-AGED people must get seven hours sleep, research has found. So that’s another bloody thing to worry about, along with mysterious clothing shrinkage. Here’s some more advice that can f**k off.

Five warning signs a man is about to remove clothing in public

THERE’S been some slightly warm weather, and that means men stripping off. Luckily, like tremors before an earthquake, these warning signs will help you detect when a man is about to disrobe.

12 things that only happen when you're already pissed off

DO you ever feel like the universe hates you? Why else would it do these things to you when you’re already having a shit day?