Lifestyle

A PAIR of Dr Martens boots have finished turning their owner’s feet into bloody, misshapen slabs of meat, it has emerged.

IS the cost of living crisis making the weekly shop scarily expensive? These items can f**k off.

EVERYTHING’S great, apart from the insects that don’t understand the indoor-outdoor boundary and violate it. Like these pricks.  

MIDDLE-AGED people must get seven hours sleep, research has found. So that’s another bloody thing to worry about, along with mysterious clothing shrinkage. Here’s some more advice that can f**k off.

THERE’S been some slightly warm weather, and that means men stripping off. Luckily, like tremors before an earthquake, these warning signs will help you detect when a man is about to disrobe.

DO you ever feel like the universe hates you? Why else would it do these things to you when you’re already having a shit day?

THE most disgusting, unnatural thing you can have is hair on your body. Feel shit about it? Good. Now buy our products and the pain will be worth it.

SOCIETY has come a long way toward fighting misogyny and eliminating sexism, which is great as long as you keep quiet about missing these things.

SOME wanker’s always trying to get you to watch this or try this or go doing that. You nod and say ‘I really should’ while intending to do no such f**king thing.

A WOMAN'S primeval foraging instincts kicked in as she searched through the wilderness of TK Maxx for anything she might actually wear.