Society

BRITAIN's ongoing economic turmoil could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.

TERRIFYING online collective Mumsnet has revealed a predilection for high-grade online filth.

THE Campaign for Common Sense Clamping scored a fresh victory last night as a clamper was killed and his mutilated body put on display as a warning to others.

CRIME-FIGHTING grandmother Margaret Gerving has declared war on wrongdoers, especially black people and Germans.

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.

BRITISH multiculturalism officially collapsed yesterday after Mrs Patel neglected to return a Catherine Cookson book belonging to her white neighbour, Margaret Gerving.

LAST year saw a record increase in the number of obvious lies about embarrassing surgery scars.

WOMEN should be entitled to half of their boyfriend's disgusting pile of crap in the event of a split, according to a landmark ruling.