Society

EDUCATION experts will be employed in schools to establish who the stupidest bastards in the building are.

THE future of British ice cream adverts was thrown into doubt last night as the industry watchdog ruled they can no longer offend Roman Catholics.

OUTREACH workers say they should be protected from cutbacks to stop Britain being torn apart by angry, unsupported lesbians.

THOUSANDS of drunk British children could be spared serious illness and injury if their drunk friends were trained to look after them, experts have claimed.

THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.

BRITAIN did a pathetic attempt at an Irish jig last night as the Inland Revenue swigged from a whisky bottle and fired a revolver at its feet.

LONDONERS will spend today wishing death upon each other in a late summer festival of above-ground loathing.

VULNERABLE women who can't defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

BRITAIN continues to tell the most transparent lies about how much it has had to drink, according to new research.

HOMEOWNERS have just four years to forget everything they may have learned during the financial crisis, experts have warned.