Society

NHS managers hope to save millions by paying patients with expensive ailments a cash bonus to leap off the nearest tall thing.

SUFFOLK Council is to put 9,000 of its malingering, overpaid functions out to private tender.

UK police chiefs have decided that if they let crime get bad enough some sort of masked hero is bound to intervene.

PEOPLE dabbling in the occult need to show more dedication if they are to succeed at 'the craft', according to top coven leaders.

GLOBAL society is to be re-organised on the assumption that everyone has dementia.

EMPTY disabled parking spaces have become almost irresistible after it emerged that most badge holders are probably lying anyway.

VIOLENT, handsome midgets are to pose as choirboys in radical new measures against predatory priests, it has been announced.

A BOAR is to have his tenth litter by 10 different sows, ultimately costing the UK taxpayer as much as £2 million.

A STRIKE by Britain's binmen could force rubbish to stay in neat piles instead of being flung all over the place willy-nilly, it was claimed last night.

GETTING married provides an excellent excuse to deliberately lose touch with your more tiresome friends, according to new data.