News

BOOKS of Indifference were opened at B&Q branches across the country today for men who could not a give a monkeys about the 10th anniversary of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales.

A SENIOR penis in the British Transport Police is facing shame and ruin after being found guilty of having sex on duty and against the will of the officer it was attached to at the time.

CHRISTIANS in England are to start worshiping Princess Diana instead of Jesus with a new prayer written by the Archbishop of Canterbury and exclusively revealed on the Daily Mash today. 

ELDERLY driver David Jackers yesterday stayed in the middle lane of the motorway for all of his 400 mile journey from Bristol to Glasgow in what police are calling the most "half-arsed" motoring they have ever seen. 

CITY dwellers and townsfolk have branded the latest foot and mouth outbreak “boring” and “not as good as last time” as it looked to be fizzling out after just one week. 

THE Inland Revenue is to get new powers to hold people upside down and shake them until all the money falls out of their pockets. 

TONY Blair will today bring to a close his ten-year term as Prime Minister by delivering his Soul to the Devil and all his minions.

THE Bank of England is to give a brand new £5 note to each reader of The Daily Mash as part of its drive to stem the growing shortage of fivers in circulation. 

SCOTLAND'S transport system is to be revolutionised with the construction of the first 'road' between Scotland's two major cities.

A WOULD-BE British suicide bomber failed to blow himself up after he fell asleep on the train while reading Sir Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses, it has emerged.