Senior Police Cock Had Sex On Duty

A SENIOR penis in the British Transport Police is facing shame and ruin after being found guilty of having sex on duty and against the will of the officer it was attached to at the time.

Princess Diana 'Better Than Jesus' Says Archbishop

CHRISTIANS in England are to start worshiping Princess Diana instead of Jesus with a new prayer written by the Archbishop of Canterbury and exclusively revealed on the Daily Mash today. 

Pensioner Completes Motorway Middle Lane Marathon

ELDERLY driver David Jackers yesterday stayed in the middle lane of the motorway for all of his 400 mile journey from Bristol to Glasgow in what police are calling the most "half-arsed" motoring they have ever seen. 

Foot And Mouth 'Not As Much Fun As Last Time' Say Townies

CITY dwellers and townsfolk have branded the latest foot and mouth outbreak “boring” and “not as good as last time” as it looked to be fizzling out after just one week. 

Taxman Gets Power To Hold You Upside Down

THE Inland Revenue is to get new powers to hold people upside down and shake them until all the money falls out of their pockets. 

Blair To Hand Over Soul At 3pm Today

TONY Blair will today bring to a close his ten-year term as Prime Minister by delivering his Soul to the Devil and all his minions.

Free £5 Note For Every Reader*

THE Bank of England is to give a brand new £5 note to each reader of The Daily Mash as part of its drive to stem the growing shortage of fivers in circulation. 

Ministers Unveil Plans For 'Road' Between Edinburgh And Glasgow

SCOTLAND'S transport system is to be revolutionised with the construction of the first 'road' between Scotland's two major cities.

Satanic Verses Sends Suicide Bomber To Sleep

A WOULD-BE British suicide bomber failed to blow himself up after he fell asleep on the train while reading Sir Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses, it has emerged.

BBC To Stop Portraying Tories As Demented Perverts

THE BBC has responded to claims of liberal bias with a pledge to stop portraying senior Tory MPs as homicidal deviants.