News

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin appeared before magistrates this morning charged with three counts of being a complete arse.

WOMEN who go out dressed in fuck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin has claimed he was forced to fake his own death by a hardened kayak who once worked for the Krays.

THE far-right British National Party is to abandon racism after listening carefully to the opposing arguments during last night’s Oxford Union debate. 

THE Government is to introduce new regulations governing the size of the Brazilian wax amid mounting fears that the nation’s pubic hair is spiralling out of control. 

THE bicycle at the centre of Britain's worst case of inanimate object abuse has told how she was offered treats including expensive chain-oil, a new bell and a dynamo.

TEACHING unions have called for all school children to be no more than 18 inches high in a bid to drive up standards.

THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.

ENGLAND has now spent so much money on Scotland that it is expecting some 'fairly spectacular sex', it was claimed last night.

CHILDREN don’t like going to school and would prefer not to have to do any work at all, according to a major new study of education in Britain.