F*ck-Boots Must Stay On, Says Government

WOMEN who go out dressed in fuck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

Darwin Fingers Canoe

SUSPECTED canoeist John Darwin has claimed he was forced to fake his own death by a hardened kayak who once worked for the Krays.

BNP Abandons Racism After Oxford Debate

THE far-right British National Party is to abandon racism after listening carefully to the opposing arguments during last night’s Oxford Union debate. 

Brazilians To Be Shaved By Government

THE Government is to introduce new regulations governing the size of the Brazilian wax amid mounting fears that the nation’s pubic hair is spiralling out of control. 

He Promised To Oil My Chain, Claims Abused Bike

THE bicycle at the centre of Britain's worst case of inanimate object abuse has told how she was offered treats including expensive chain-oil, a new bell and a dynamo.

Teachers Call For Smaller Pupils

TEACHING unions have called for all school children to be no more than 18 inches high in a bid to drive up standards.

Idiots To Waste Two More Years At School

THE age at which idiots can leave school without any qualifications is to be raised from 16 to 18, the Government announced last night.

England Expects Scotland To Put Out

ENGLAND has now spent so much money on Scotland that it is expecting some 'fairly spectacular sex', it was claimed last night.

Children Don't Like School, Says Report

CHILDREN don’t like going to school and would prefer not to have to do any work at all, according to a major new study of education in Britain.

Diana Inquest: Jury Inspects Toilet Where Princess Had Final Movement

THE Diana inquest jury was last night taken to the bathroom of the Ritz Hotel in Paris to see where the Princess enjoyed her final bowel movement.