Politics Headlines

MANY more MPs are expected to admit fraud in a bid to get away from whining, busy-body constituents.

THE millions of people who said Vince Cable was exactly the sort of politician this country needs were last night looking like a bunch of grade-A twats.

WEEDY education secretary Michael Gove has promised to reinstate school sports funding as long as he can be picked first by the tall, healthy boy who looks like Robert Pattinson.

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband is to restore his party to power with meat suits, eye liner and ending every sentence with the expression 'va-va'.

CASH-strapped local councils have pledged to identify the workers who are most useful and then sack them.

GORDON Brown will have a late breakfast, watch some afternoon telly and then take a nice long bath while George Osborne is kicking your bastarding teeth down your throat, it has been confirmed.

SUPPORTERS of David Miliband will today launch a concerted effort to destroy the leadership of Ed Miliband whether either of them likes it or not.

ED Miliband is to organise a really great anti-apartheid disco that will get everyone totally motivated.

WHEN Vince Cable bangs his little fists and stamps his little feet he is just the cutest thing in the world, bankers said last night.

THE Labour leadership contest has been blown wide open after the shock return of Stryker, the secret Miliband brother.