Politics Headlines

Brown's Insanity 'Distracting Voters From How Bad He Is At His Job'

CONSTANT coverage of Gordon Brown's psychosis is beginning to distract voters from how appalling he is at being prime minister, Labour strategists claimed last night.

Brown Threatens To Destroy Anti-Bullying Charity

GORDON Brown dismissed claims of bullying last night and threatened to ruin the life of anyone who says different.

Cameron 'Partial To A Spot Of Light Porn'

TORY leader Dave Cameron has revealed he enjoys watching 'erotic thrillers' on late night television after the wife has gone to bed.

Brown Threatens To Fly Plane Into Office Of National Statistics

GORDON Brown was circling central London today threatening to crash his light aircraft into the Office of National Statistics.

Brown Waits To See If Britain Is That Stupid

GORDON Brown was today waiting for opinion poll results that will reveal whether or not Britain really is that stupid.

Dimwitted Mediocrities 'Not Above The Law'

DIMWITS and mediocrities too stupid to get a proper job are not above the law, according to a legal expert.

Voters To Hire Jimmy Conway From 'Goodfellas'

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

Brown To Sell Pathetic, Home-Made Wooden Things

GORDON Brown has unveiled his plan to slash Britain's deficit by making lots of pathetic little wooden things and then selling them from a table outside his house.

I Will Release Bruce Forsyth Into The Wild, Declares Cameron

ONE of the first acts of a Conservative government would be to take Bruce Forsyth into some woods and then let him go, David Cameron declared yesterday.

Will We Ever Have Bananas Again, Daddy?

THE prospect of a nice, ripe banana faded rapidly into the distance last night as Britain faced-up to a new age of banana-free austerity.