Politics Headlines

Brown Pins Hopes On Outbreak Of Pig Shingles

ALLIES of Gordon Brown believe the prime minister will recover in the polls as soon as Britain is hit by a devastating animal disease.

Party Leaders Forced To Holiday In Britain

GORDON Brown and David Cameron both considered resigning from their posts after being forced to spend another summer holiday in Britain, it was claimed last night.

Public Has Nothing To Fear From Gigantic, All-Powerful Database

THE government last night dismissed fears over its massive, evil database insisting it would only ever be used to peer into the very depths of your soul.

Brown Woos Voters By Acting Like Your Gran

GORDON Brown has outlined plans to recapture the political agenda by acting like your old gran.

MPs Think You Must Be Some Kind Of Twat

A YEAR long review of the rules governing MPs’ expenses last night concluded that you are a complete twat.

MP Does Something Other Than Being A Dick

WESTMINSTER was left reeling last night after a senior politician did something that did not involve being a total dick.

Labour Unveils Plan To Lose Last Remaining Votes

LABOUR will today unveil a detailed plan to alienate its last remaining pockets of support.

Crewe Goes All Fancy

CREWE was prancing around quite the thing last night after getting itself a fancy new millionaire to represent it in parliament.

Do You Need Us To Call You A Cab? Britain Asks Brown

BRITAIN last night told the prime minister it was getting really quite late while making a big fuss of cleaning up the living room.

Everyone To Become A Lord As Taxpayers Lend Labour £2.7 Billion

EVERYONE in Britain is to be made a member of the House of Lords after lending the Labour Party £2.7 billion.