Politics Headlines

LABOUR is to shift its focus from governing the country to selling books, the prime minister will announce today.

THE Scottish Labour leader Wendy Alexander was celebrating last night after going to the toilet all by herself.

PRIME minster Gordon Brown last night admitted he loathes absolutely everyone in Britain.

VOTERS are heading to the polls today in the biennial ritual of choosing exactly which oddballs and thieves will run their local council.

GORDON Brown is one of the worst players of Connect Four ever to hold the office of prime minister, friends of Tony Blair said last night.

LABOUR backbenchers last night convinced the government not to go out and just start punching poor people in the face.

GORDON Brown yesterday moved to combat Britain's mounting economic woes, announcing he had bought himself a new toothbrush and that it was absolutely terrific.

BAGPUSS, Britain's leading fat, furry cat-puss, was last night accused of intimidating voters in his bid to remain the nation's favourite TV animal.

THE government is offering £7 an hour to anyone who will have a weekly pint of beer with Chancellor Alistair Darling.

IN his first official act as Secretary of State for International Development, Douglas Alexander is to spend the summer with his pen pal in Bulgaria.