Politics Headlines

TENSIONS inside the Labour campaign boiled over last night as Gordon Brown delivered a severe thumping to First Minister Jack McConnell.

It's set to be the most historic night in Scottish politics since blah blah blah.... Union in jeopardy.... blah blah.... end of Labour domination..... blah blah.... is Gordon Brewer feeling alright?

MONSTER Munch will be the next first minister of Scotland, according to the latest Daily Mash readers' poll.

THE SNP election campaign will reach a spectacular climax this week when the face of party leader Alex Salmond is projected on to the surface of the moon.

LABOUR candidates and party activists will spend the last three days of the campaign updating their CVs, the Daily Mash has learned.

FIRST Minister Jack McConnell is the party leader least trusted to take your 19 year old-sister to the zoo, according to the first Daily Mash readers' poll.

THE Liberal Democrats received an election boost today as the greats of Scottish pantomime threw their weight behind slightly more powers for the Holyrood Parliament.

SCOTTISH Secretary Douglas Alexander has been ordered to quit Labour's Holyrood election campaign and concentrate on revising for his Highers.

THE Scottish Tories were accused of blatant populism today as they unveiled a manifesto bursting at the seems with sex, booze and holidays.

AFTER months of speculation, civil servants at the Foreign Office have admitted that they do not know who the Foreign Secretary is.