Politics

BRITONS are nervously awaiting the all-clear from the prime minister’s doctors so that they can think he is a dick again. 

FOREIGN secretary Dominic Raab is officially in charge of the country, but his powers are limited. What can and can’t he do?

AS acting leader of Britain, I’m in a state of near-constant shock about what I didn’t know about it. Here’s a few things I learned just yesterday.

YEAH. Thanks for electing me leader and everything, but is it okay if I’ve changed my mind? Because if I’m honest I want f**k all to do with this mess.

HI. I’m Rishi Sunak and I won’t leave you behind. If somehow you’re still struggling to get by on Britain’s prompt and generous Universal Credit system, here’s how to pay your way. 

THE prime minister is leading the nation by setting a f**king terrible example showing them what not to do, Downing Street has claimed.

THE prime minister has thanked Britain for clapping to show they do not blame him in the slightest for the current crisis.

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam.

I HAVE always been a great admirer of Winston Churchill. I wrote a biography of him. I have considered myself his modern equivalent. I may have been wrong.

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.