Alcohol

IN THE event of a Covid outbreak in your local 'Spoons, fast and decisive action by punters is required. Here is the chain’s advice to read and commit to memory.

A HIPSTER twat who took up home brewing during lockdown is still trying to force his concoctions on everyone he knows.

THE World Health Organisation has advised men that as long as they have consumed a minimum of four alcoholic drinks they are fine to urinate in the garden.

WETHERSPOONS has called for the creation of huge out-of-town warehouse-style pubs to be held in reserve in case of a Covid spike.

A TWAT in a busy supermarket is about to f**k up everyone’s day by scanning wine through a self-service checkout, it has emerged.

A 45-YEAR-OLD man is still bedridden with a steaming hangover 48 hours after glancing at a pint of Stella Artois.

A PLAN to just have a couple of glasses from a lunchtime bottle of wine was flawed in conception best and wholly unachievable in reality, a couple has confirmed.

A man has put an upside-down spoon in a bottle of Cava because he 'knows about wine'.

BRITONS returning to pubs after months of drinking at home have been shocked at the cost of what they consider a single measure.

CLEVER middle class people are going to the pub this weekend instead, having dodged both the common folk and the rush.