Celebrity

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

FUTURE royal brood mare Kate Middleton was admitted to church last night after apparently being possessed by Satan.

THE increasingly unpopular iPhone last night barricaded itself in a motel room with a brace of whores and a side arm.

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.

THE decomposing elephant from Channel 4's Life After Death has been spotted partying with Kerry Katona at a string of exclusive London clubs.

MERYL Streep has revealed how her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher has turned her into a swivel-eyed maniac.

BRITAIN'S famous people are still insisting they are entitled to any kind of private life, it emerged last night.

BBC newsreader Peter Sissons was told not to mention that the Queen Mother was usually hammered.

THE writing team behind Jordan is considering killing Alex Reid amid concerns the story is becoming too complex for its target demographic.

HOLLYWOOD shone like a dazzling beacon of breathtaking glamour last night as a series of pathological narcissists made speeches about how important their pathetic jobs are.