Environment

GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

THE snow that is paralysing the south of England is to be loaded into trucks and moved to the north, where they do not mind it.

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.

TURKEYS across Britain have agreed that we should stop discussing what kind of Christmas we are going to have and just get on with it.

A WOMAN is strolling over to the flower market to select which plant will spend the next month slowly dying in her flat.

PACKS of wolves should be reintroduced to London to curb unmanageable population growth, experts have claimed.

THE world’s ‘oldest intact shipwreck’ must have a hole in it somewhere or it would not be a shipwreck, experts have reasoned. 

CHINA’S burning coal faster than its children can sew on sequins, Bitcoin’s gobbling up electricity faster than a fan heater in a damp bedsit, and the bloke up the road’s just bought a three-litre BMW SUV.

A WOMAN refusing to remove her winter coat despite it still being quite warm out is sweating like a pig, she has admitted.