Environment

SMUG homeowners in Cheshire and Lancashire are showing off to the rest of the UK about their highly exclusive hosepipe ban.

A BACHELOR who added ‘w/air-con’ to his Tinder bio has never had so much sex, he has confirmed.

A WOMAN who will not stop informing people she does not use plastic straws is about to go on her third foreign holiday this year.

THE continuing heatwave will be forcing Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.

PEOPLE pretending to enjoy the sun by playing Frisbee and having barbecues would much rather be indoors watching Poldark, it has emerged.

A DOG’S feelings have been crushed after discovering that his owner’s best friend is actually a man named Martin.

A MAN who agreed to go on a country walk was shocked to discover it did not involve a pub, he has revealed.

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are making an agonising decision about whether to continue poisoning the air with their stove or their massive vehicle.

A FLY is somehow trapped in the living room of a house despite being guided towards an open patio door.

THE UK has woken up to yet another glorious, sunny, complete waste of decent weather because it is a Monday.