Environment

BUDGERIGARS imprisoned by weirdos around the UK have issued a statement pleading to be set free.

THE loss of two-thirds of the earth’s wild animals in the next four years has been blamed on their refusal to earn and save money.

AN OVERWEIGHT cat is not at all self-conscious about it, he has confirmed.

A SEAGULL has landed at the summit of a litter bin and proclaimed himself the ruler of all he surveys.

LONDONERS have told the gorilla which tried to escape from London Zoo that it is all of them, and it was doomed from the start.

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

BUILDING a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point is fine because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol, it has been confirmed.

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road.