Environment

LONDONERS have told the gorilla which tried to escape from London Zoo that it is all of them, and it was doomed from the start.

A HOUSEHOLD that describes itself as ‘bohemian’ just needs to tidy up and push the hoover round, guests have agreed.

PRIMATES are unsure why they have yet to take over the planet when humanity is clearly doing such a terrible job.

BUILDING a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point is fine because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol, it has been confirmed.

ONE day of unexpected hot weather has transformed Southern Britons into languid continental-style sensualists.

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road.

A CAT has not seen his penis for three weeks, it has emerged.

A MASSIVE spider has confirmed that it is in no way more scared of you than you are of it, so you best just keep walking.

THE pasty people of Britain have just two days to expose their bodies to enough sunlight to last for the other 363 days.

THE UK’s weather has reassured anxious parents it will return to raining solidly for their upcoming fortnight away.