Environment

MILLIONS of gallons of face paint washed off in the wake of Brazil’s humiliating defeat have turned the nation’s rivers turquoise.

TOMCAT Roy Hobbs says he can't be bothered to catch mice, preferring to eat shitloads of Go-Cat.

CLAIMS that rain wouldn’t dampen spirits at Glastonbury and Wimbledon this weekend have been proved wrong.

OCTOPUSES have confirmed that they are not psychic and would prefer to be left alone.

YOUR thoughts and feelings are dictated by whether it is sunny.

SNAILS have asked gardeners to kindly not lob them over the fence.

BRITAIN is absolutely positive the weekend heatwave will be free of discomfort, arguments and the doing of too many things.

SHARKS are really interesting, it has been confirmed.

BRITAIN'S 2ft super-rats have said they only want to scrabble about on your sleeping body.

IF scientists want us to be scared of climate change they are going to have to try a lot harder, it has been confirmed.