Environment

BRITONS are sweating like pigs as the weather refuses to make up its mind.

SPRING will bypass the UK this year after deciding that to arrive so late would be unbearably awkward.

FREEZING Britons expect the newly-Arctic UK to lead to a spate of compelling crime-based television.

EVEN small children have run out of patience with the snow, it has been confirmed.

PLANET Earth is celebrating after a major breakthrough in its battle against the deadly humanity virus.

MANY of this year's lambs are being born jaded.

TITANIC II has pledged to destroy all the world's icebergs.