Environment

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.

TREES have reverted to being malevolent skeletal shadows looming in your peripheral vision.

POPPIES have rejected any association with the paranoid, hate-fuelled agenda of The Daily Mail.

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are claiming to get a massive buzz off harmful pesticides in order to get them banned.

FLY Rob Hobbs is struggling to think logically after becoming trapped in a house.

THE Tree of the Year competition is dominated by trees with wealthy and well-connected parents, critics have claimed.

PETS of all species have demanded that unlimited amounts of food are made available to them at all times.

A GROUP of caners spotted in a Welsh valley noted for psilocybin mushrooms have claimed they were just getting some fresh air.

LOCALS in a Somerset village have flatly denied claims of a pervasive smell of excrement.