Environment

SO-CALLED ‘suburban’ rats are appalling bourgeois snobs, it has been claimed.

MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.

The UK is facing deflation after suffering a slow puncture somewhere near Kidderminster, experts have confirmed.

THE Met Office has warned that southern England is about to be hit by the sort of cross-fire hurricanes not seen since Mick Jagger was born.

LONDON renters are hoping for enough snowfall to fashion their own crude igloo-style dwellings.

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

DRIVERS in Scotland have been warned against sheltering from icy conditions in isolated pubs where they are likely to be murdered.

THUNDERSNOW has opened a portal to hell and released the dreaded Ninth Demon, the Met Office has finally admitted.

BRITAIN will get just enough snow today to make driving a nightmare, but not quite enough to go home early.