Environment

BRITAIN is unable to stop watching today’s heavy rain because it touches something deep in the national psyche.

GIRAFFES have confirmed that they are fuelled by hate and plan to exterminate the human race.

A CAT has realised that it can beat up any other cat by cutting out the preliminary staring.

SUMMER has decided to end suddenly for artistic reasons, it has confirmed.

SEAGULLS have cemented their position as humanity’s arch-enemy by opening a lettings agency specialising in ‘luxury studio flats’.

DOGS have confirmed that their most meaningful relationship is actually with cars.

SNOW leopards are probably in your house right now, according to wildlife experts.

DIESEL costs more than petrol as punishment for diesel motorists’ uncleanliness, oil companies have admitted.

FOXES who voted Conservative were not expecting the government to start killing them again.

THE sun is shining hard to encourage women into states of undress, it has emerged.