Environment

THE Met Office has warned that anyone exposed to today's 'blood rain' will turn into a goth.

A DIEHARD global warming sceptic is happy to believe in all the other types of science, it has emerged.

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.

BRITAIN might think about constructing proper flood defences, but only if the country is somehow flooded again next year.

THE Forth Road Bridge has been closed after engineers discovered it was well over the safe alcohol limit, it has emerged.

A RAT has been left depressed by reports of so-called ‘super rats’.

CLIMATE change can be stopped by purchasing goods that say ‘eco’ on the packaging, it has been claimed.

A HUGE cat has responded to attempts to evict it from a garden with cold indifference.

A 45-YEAR-OLD man has turned on his fog lights in the manner of a spy firing an under-bonnet machine gun.

A CAT has refused to eat a slightly cheaper brand of catfood, despite having recently eaten a rat.