Environment

AN earthquake centred in Rutland has left Midlands towns a bleak, devastated, landscape of nothing but Poundstretchers and Costa Coffees.

THE world has greeted news that the Doomsday Clock stands at three minutes to midnight by reaching sleepily out and pressing the button that shuts it up.

DRIVERS in Scotland have been warned against sheltering from icy conditions in isolated pubs where they are likely to be murdered.

THUNDERSNOW has opened a portal to hell and released the dreaded Ninth Demon, the Met Office has finally admitted.

BRITAIN will get just enough snow today to make driving a nightmare, but not quite enough to go home early.

SO-CALLED daylight is now just a slightly diluted version of the night, it has been confirmed.

GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.

THE government has recommended wildly exaggerated militaristic terms for putting on warm clothes.

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.