Environment

SO-CALLED daylight is now just a slightly diluted version of the night, it has been confirmed.

GREY squirrels are to be culled as part of a wider campaign against species with very large penises.

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.

THE government has recommended wildly exaggerated militaristic terms for putting on warm clothes.

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

THE Arctic Circle is bracing itself for weather conditions usually reserved for Lancashire.

THE ‘fog’ currently enveloping Bristol has a strong aroma of cannabis, it has been claimed.

KILLER seals are attempting to engage police in pseudo-intellectual cat-and-mouse games.

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.