Environment

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.

AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.

GLOBAL warming is probably being caused by ghosts, climate scientists claimed last night.

BEAVERS are to be renamed 'riverdogs' after zoologists finally conceded defeat to the overwhelming forces of sexual innuendo.

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

THE Nissan factory in Sunderland is to produce a new electric car that will be unable to get as far as Doncaster.

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

AN oaf who makes no difference to anything was last night targeted by some hippies with no boyfriends.

FOUL-tempered old women with massively thick limbs are to be installed in British homes in a government move to limit food wastage.