Environment

BRITAIN'S small band of pork flu survivors can look forward to a hot, dry summer, the Met Office confirmed last night.

TANK tops, everyday racial abuse and Larry Grayson could all help tackle climate change, according to a report urging a return to 1970s lifestyles. 

THE RSPB surprised conservationists last night by calling for the immediate construction of a UK-wide network of gigantic bird mincers.

THE ball-wrenching tediousness of climate change pundits is worse than previously thought, it has been claimed.

PEOPLE across Britain contacted their local councils yesterday to ask what in the name of fuck has happened to all the grit.  

MOTORISTS will be told to make their cars thinner as the government tries to squeeze as many lanes as possible into Britain's motorway network.

POPE Benedict has called for a renewed global effort to cap the level of gay emissions.

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

MORE than half of all communities in Britain are being terrorised by gangs of global warming scientists, it was claimed last night.

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.