Environment

HIPPIES were today banging on about petrol again even though we already get it and would just like to go skiing.

MORE than half of all communities in Britain are being terrorised by gangs of global warming scientists, it was claimed last night.

EXPERTS have upgraded their estimates on rising sea levels, predicting they could submerge Ronnie Corbett within a decade.

BIOFUELS are incredibly salty and don't really go with anything, hungry people in the Third World said last night.

LAST year's summer floods were a freak event caused by a lot of water, a new scientific report has revealed.

COAL is so clean and fresh that the prime minister brushes his teeth with it, Downing Street said last night.

THE Earth has dismissed claims it is in danger from global warming, insisting the most likely outcome is the extinction of humans.

MALE prisoners are to return to the predatory sexual hell of communal showers, in a bid to help the government reduce CO2.

ALL new homes will be made from boiled sweets and smell of piss and chopped pork, to ensure they are suitable for the elderly, the government said last night. 

BRITISH insurance companies could scupper the government's house building plans after refusing to cover homes made from beaten egg whites.