Environment

BEAVERS are to be renamed 'riverdogs' after zoologists finally conceded defeat to the overwhelming forces of sexual innuendo.

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

THE Nissan factory in Sunderland is to produce a new electric car that will be unable to get as far as Doncaster.

SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.

THE Arctic Circle is on course to be really quite lovely by 2019, new research has confirmed.

AN oaf who makes no difference to anything was last night targeted by some hippies with no boyfriends.

FOUL-tempered old women with massively thick limbs are to be installed in British homes in a government move to limit food wastage.

THE Earth can be saved from the damaging effects of climate change with a series of contraptions built by Wilf Lunn, it has been claimed.

A NEW strain of genetically modified wheat can strangle crows and then harvest itself into a bowl of Cheerios, the environment secretary Hilary Benn has claimed.

GLOBAL warming has caused an acceleration in evolution that should see the world overrun by 20ft mice within 10 years, scientists said last night.