Health

THE stock market has crashed and Brexit is under threat. It must be the fault of left-wing do-gooders. Here’s how to give them all the blame.

IT’S the ultimate nightmare scenario - your local Spoons being shut. Here regular Roy Hobbs explains what to do during the coronavirus crisis.

PRESIDENT Trump has already advised Americans to keep going to work and banned Europeans who don’t speak English. What will he get wrong next? 

DO you feel the coronavirus is better tackled with St John’s Wort than modern medicine? Here alternative health therapist Donna Sheridan gives her advice.

A HIPSTER is claiming to have contracted the small-batch artisanal coronavirus strain COVID-18.

A WOMAN who evangelises about apple cider vinegar on Facebook is suddenly more of a medical authority than your actual doctor.

HAS the coronavirus made everyone freak out and stockpile all the toilet paper from your local Asda? Here’s what to use instead.

A WOMAN who is constantly washing her hands due to the coronavirus is still driving around in a disgusting shit tip of a car.

NOT looking forward to going to a big wedding or cricket match in the coming weeks? Here are some other events you can now legitimately cry off.

IT’S important to share your witless opinions about the coronavirus on traditional forums for idiots such as BBC comments and Mail Online. Try some of these.