Health

THE government has revealed its 12-point emergency plan to stop the coronavirus sweeping Britain and upsetting the markets. Read it immediately.

THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about surviving deadly infections will be fine.

A WOMAN has made her mornings more streamlined and productive by snorting a fat line off the mirror.

A GP is running out of tactful ways to tell a patient his health issues are down to being a big fat f**ker who is always on the sauce.

HAVE you ruined your train journey by needing the loo? Here’s how to use one of those coffin-sized toilets from hell without lasting damage to your mental health.

THE coronavirus is the hot new viral sensation on everyone’s lips right now. But how can you make it work for you?

HAVE you gone from ridiculing media scare stories about the coronavirus to panicking that you’re going to die? Hide your fear with these tips.

EVERYONE should put money into a pension scheme but is it really worth it if you drink heavily, smoke daily and are casually reckless with your life choices? 

A MAN has claimed that his right to masturbate should be protected for his mental health.

DO you long for an exercise regime that will take over your life? Read our guide to which all-consuming fitness cult you should bore your family, friends and strangers with.